Critique of a Random Sales Email

Someone sent a random sales email to our info@ address this morning. The person works for a smaller email marketing software company. Since my background is in sales from the same industry, I decided to critique the sales copy and send it back to him.

The sales guy’s original email

Hello,

I came across your web site and thought I’d make an introduction. I see that one of your service offerings is providing email marketing to your clients. My company, Company’s Name, has a private-labeled email marketing solution geared specifically for agencies like yours. Please visit the link below to get an overview and then you can request a demo from their or email me directly if you’re interested in learning more.

link

Thanks!

Sender’s Name

Aside from the error of typing “their” instead of “there”, a weak call-to-action, and the irony of receiving spam from an email marketing software company, my biggest critique was So What? That goes through my mind each time I read or write sales copy. Why should this matter to me? Why is this important? What can this product or service possibly do to improve my life? [Note: Mark Magnacca has a helpful book on the topic of "So What?"]

Most people delete random sales emails. But not me. I edited the original and sent the dude an improved version.

Revised email copy

I came across your website on [reference where you found me so that I'm not weirded out] and noticed that you work with [insert whatever the prospect specializes in]. My company, Company Name, has been providing a private-labeled email marketing solution geared for agencies since 1999. This is significant because we have helped a number of firms like yours close more deals, deliver value to their clients, and generate additional revenue with less time investment.

I’d like to show you how our product compliments your [insert prospect's product or service] by showing you a 30 minute personalized demo of our email software. Are you available on Friday at 3pm EST?

Thanks,

P.S. Here is an overview of our email marketing solution for agencies (link).